“We all have a bag. We all pack differently, Some of us are traveling light. Some of us are secret hoarders who’ve never parted with a memory in our lives. I think we are all called to figure out how to carry our bag to the best of our ability, how to pack it, and how to face the mess. I think part of growing up is learning how to sit down on the floor with all your things and figure out what to share with others and what to leave behind.” Hannah Brencher
To be human requires us to be vulnerable, which means to be wounded, and to be wounded means to risk being hurt.
If you know me, you would know that I deeply love stories, I love all kinds of stories, but I mostly love the human story, the thread of heartbreak that weaves through our lives like a garden snake in our gardens; it isn't always scary, but we have moments of being scared and moments where we can allow it to move and moments where it stops you in your tracks. Our stories thread our life together; you must know it to weave it.
That is what it takes to be known - we allow our threads and weaves and then tell stories about each of them.
I work primarily with women, and one of our first ways of connecting is to weave the stories of their lives together, not for me, but for them. One of my favorite ways is to have them create a 'grief chart' of what and who you have lost and where it connects to our bodies. It gives us a somatic view of how they got to where they are, and it is sometimes the first time they have fully articulated their losses truthfully.
I relish their stories and truths; some cut deep, and they have never shared their accounts with anyone. I listen hard; I am present with all of them, their history, wins and losses, heartbreaks, and the heartbreak they inflicted. Women's stories are puzzle pieces that sometimes fit. Sometimes the edges are worn thin, or they are too sharp to work back into the puzzle because what others will not always understand is that women hold their pain, their joy, their heartbreak, their secret desires, and secret love in a cloak in their heart never really revealed until it is safe, until sometimes the end.
We desire to be known but not at the risk of losing ourselves, the time we have put in for safety and security, or if it means losing our belonging.
Women learn from a young age to hold their feelings and not seem angry; instead, we ruminate and go out of our way to appear rational and calm. We minimize our anger and call it frustration, impatience, exasperation, or irritation in an effort that doesn't convey anger.
Women's wisdom is acquired through childbirth, household labor, child-rearing, and working in a man's world, and their innate intuition is vast. How we have come to understand our oppression and potential is liberating and requires a quiet stoicism that keeps us from truly feeling known.
To be known requires a safety and presence that lacks judgment and scorn, curiosity is required and a sense of relatedness. It also requires a piece of forgiveness inside of ourselves to allow ourselves to be known.
Our lives are interweaved with our children and families in a way that locks us into believing that to be known could mean to be harshly judged and ridiculed, and we may not belong. When given a choice of attachment or authenticity in their relationships, most would choose attachment first, seeking approval and recognition from others instead of learning how to give to ourselves.
Because we are so wired to be selected, respect and acceptance from others are held much higher regard than self-esteem and self-acceptance. I am not saying this is absolute, and I believe with all the awareness that we now have in our culture, we are shifting that belief; however, I would say that it is deeply embedded in our psyche and, therefore, to be known for who we are can feel unsafe.
Simply put, most of us, in most situations, will decide that it is far more important for others to like us than it is for us to do whatever it takes to be Known of ourselves.
To be known by ourselves, we must get right with our reality first, create an honest account of our lives up until this point, and forgive ourselves, AND then we can begin to allow ourselves to be known by others.
In this place, when we women can be brave enough to claim our whole story and speak it – find the language, wording, and structure to share it with another, which is extraordinary. It is in that she is KNOWN.
We owe it to ourselves to share our truths and the story of ourselves, our lives, and our hearts. Our lives are not meant to be a breeding ground of fear, comparison, and doubt but rather a gift of our lives.
Here are reasons why we need to start allowing ourselves to be KNOWN:
Connection
We start finding our people, the ones that get us. The ones who hear and see us for who we are, and when we share our stories with others, we allow them to see the parts of us we weren't once taught not to show.
Depth:
Storytelling with the heart is a chance to dive in and dig deeper. It's a time to ask the hard and uncomfortable questions that might make you question yourself and every decision you've ever made in the beginning but will help you love and trust yourself more in the end.
Permission:
When we show up to share our stories, we create a space for others to share their stories. When we share the vulnerable parts of our lives, there is no guarantee that everyone will love us and our story.
Authenticity
When someone takes the time to talk and share their stories with us that last longer than 9 seconds on Snapchat or Instagram story, we start to see the real them, and they see the real us. Be the person to tell a real story.
Awareness:
To move forward, we must do our part in raising education and awareness around mental illness; we must be brave enough to share our stories. To change the stigma, we must be willing to share our struggles.
Community:
When we find other people like us who have or are going through the same struggles as us, we feel less alone and more connected.
Our stories of being known are access to allow for freedom and a release of burden inside of us, to sit with another and to see and be seen releases the tension inside of us; it is both beautiful and healing, our journey to become who we are today a - gift to everyone that meets us, it adds to our own story and is what we women desire the most is the deep web of interconnectedness, and to be seen.
I would love to to know you!
Much Love & Healing,
Jenn